Red Carpet

My driveway presents a conundrum that results in an unparalleled feat of national – or at least personal -- security.

Criminals seek easier targets.

Enemies cower at my gate.

Friends offer to buy coffee in town.

Few dare to run the gauntlet.

My driveway dips down and then back up for a half mile, with flat stretches in between.

It wends its way through my Home Pasture, where the only critical target is the bridge that spans a steep-banked creek. Otherwise, a driver could wander anywhere through the pasture.

However, I want the grass to grow so I barricade the driveway with old fenceposts from spring through fall.

Yet, staying on the road backfires sometimes.

The hills present challenges after a heavy snow, when drifts threaten to high-center even the tallest truck.

The flat stretches threaten the suspension of every wheeled machine, slowing any attempt to reach the house and giving me time to throw dishes into the dishwasher before a visitor pulls up.

It’s nice to know that I still have 10 minutes after I spot a truck at my gate.

Once, I even had time to put out a fire in the broiler, although smoke was still billowing out of the kitchen door when company pulled up.

As nice as some notice is, I drive on this road more than anyone else.

All of my trucks have solid suspensions, but I still replace shocks frequently.

I do attempt to fill in the potholes.

The flat portions of the driveway run on clay and silt with no place for the water to drain.

Several helpful experts have suggested that a heavy layer of gravel would solve the problem.

I tried that.

The gravel sank out of sight within two weeks.

Used bale wrap under rocks kept the rocks from sinking.

Then I cut the net wrap from truck axles and changed bearings.

I discovered that bigger rocks form a solid base.

So I gather rocks and fill potholes. The rocks work. The potholes move past the rocks.

I could haul enough base rock and gravel to raise the driveway and create drainage.

People who visit during the spring, summer and fall would appreciate this improvement.

However, wintertime snowdrifts would reach up from the edge of the driveway and suck my truck into oblivion.

So I continue gathering rocks, filling potholes and driving slowly.

Until last week.

The remodeling project at my building in town has progressed to removing carpet from several rooms.

This carpet reflects the height of 60s and 70s style, with bright green, neon orange, mustard yellow and intensely patterned shag.

It needed to go.

I was about to load it into my horse trailer and haul it to the dump when I spotted the rubber backing.

Rubber would create a barrier to the bottomless mud of my driveway.

Rocks and gravel might not sink into the underworld if I could create a barrier.

I had been chipping plaster from the concrete walls as a part of this remodeling project; I could spread that crumbling plaster over the carpet and really seal the deal.

My daughter, Abby, and a couple of friends helped me lay out the carpet on the driveway.

Coincidentally, we laid out carpet on the day of the Academy Awards gala.

Just as celebrities walk the prestigious red carpet, my visitors will enjoy the pomp and circumstance of driving over my green, orange and yellow carpet.

I hope they feel honored.

I can’t make it too easy, though.

After all, I still need an effective security system.

I better lay out my old fenceposts again.

I bet I can scrounge some old boards with nails from my building, too.